Anyone who has read my earlier posts can probably make out that I was a bit frustrated. I was trying really hard to fight bad habits. I was mad, and I guess very needy to succeed.
Well, I still have not gotten anywhere. All the situations from the last post are still true. I have still not stopped procrastinating, and am bombing two exams as a result (one of them I am taking in like half an hour). My internship search has also gone nowhere. I have literally bombed interviews simply because I was not prepared, or procrastinated until the last minute. The funny thing is that every goal I am trying to attain this semester (except for the bedding a girl goal) is a goal that I have already achieved in the past (and that too more than once).
I find that when I achieved these goals, I was really in a calm state of mind. The outcome did not really matter to me. I was just focused on naturally doing the best that I could. I always had the goal in mind, and hence did not really diverge from it. Today, it is very easy to diverge. I think my subconscious mind has sort of developed a sense of fear of success. Since I have fallen down a lot, I think my subconscious mind is signaling me not to go on, or else you will just get hurt again.
This is a form of fear. The subconscious wants, I guess, to protect me from harm. Well, all people who become really successful face temporary defeats at points in their lives. Thomas Edison failed 10,000 times before inventing the incandescent lamp. He was able to make his invention a reality because he kept going on despite his failures, with the hope that he will succeed one day. Brian Tracy is one of my idols. He was a high school dropout at Age 30 (with a lot of debt). Today, he runs a multimillion dollar company. There are countless other examples. The bottom line is that all successful people have had a point in their life when things weren't going good for them. I think I am now in one of those stages.
Also, it seems I have stopped caring about things now. Things that I used to become so focused over are now things which I easily diverge from (like internship search and grades and such). So, in the past few months, I have made an effort to practice being unattached to the outcome. All successful people (professionally and in dating) are unattached to the outcome of their actions. Attachment creates a type of weakness (insecurity and neediness) which naturally mess you up. I used to be this very weak person. Now, I am not.
I can proudly say that I took care of my neediness and insecurity towards all things. The next challenge is to develop a burning desire to achieve my goals, such that pursuit of my goals becomes my play (rather than my work).
This whole notion of "work" that I have is quite wrong. Work is something that should fulfill me. It is not something that I "have to do." When I am actually doing the work, I do find that I like it. However, when no deadlines are present, I find myself diverging quite a lot. This could just be a procrastination habit. I am quite sure that I can work on this too. If I have become unattached, I can become focused too (without being needy over the outcome).
I think it would be best to start finding ways to have fun with my work (schoolwork, internship search, everything). Ultimately, my business goals are to promote something fun right...riding around in helicopters, traveling the world, lavish mansion, etc. Of course, I also want to be someone who is smart, respected in the corporate world, and taking my company to new heights.
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